THE CHAIR

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First Mistake

If you have the good fortune to have a girlfriend or wife or significant other, or think you may ever someday be lucky enough to be in that situation, you need to know about the “chair”.

Being with a lady, the time will eventually come where she will invite you to go shopping with her.  You will ask her what she is shopping for.  She will give you a look like you have two heads and will mumble something about a skirt or blouse or something.  Listen up; women don’t shop for something.  For them shopping is the end in itself.  If you had known that, you would have used whatever excuse you could to avoid “going shopping”.

Second Mistake

Well, you didn’t know, and you said “yes”, and now you are in a department store,  You are in the ladies department.  The nice young clerk has escorted you to “the comfortable chair”.  You sit down.  You will be there for hours.

You must never, never, never ever sit in the chair.  Once you are in the “chair” you are at the mercy of the clerk and your shopper.  Side note, if she gets a skirt, she will need a blouse, and a belt, and shoes, and purse, and jewelry, etc.  You’ll wish you had packed a lunch and brought an iPad so you could watch a movie.  But you didn’t, and so you will sit, and sit, and sit.  What to say when she asks what you think of an article of clothing will be another blog.  For now, pretend you are choking and wave her back to the changing room.

Avoiding the Chair

First of all, you really don’t have a choice about going shopping with your significant  other unless you want to end your relationship.  So, what to do?

The first thing you must is avoid the chair.  Why she wants to know.  You want to help you say.  Ask you your lady what she is shopping for specifically.  This will be very important later.  

Next you want to know what size she needs.  (Don’t ever act surprised about the size or ask her to repeat it unless you want the silent treatment or you’re willing to try and answer the question: “Just what did you mean by that”?)

So, you now know what item she is looking for and the size.  When she has found an item that she likes, you suggest she try it on in the changing room.  She will look lovingly at you for being such a helpmate.  As soon as she disappears into the changing room, you head for the clothes racks which contain the item she was looking for.  Once there, you pick three items from the rack in her size and proceed to the changing room.  As soon as she comes out of the changing room tell her how nice the garment looks on her and, announce that you have found similar items which she may be interested and and give her your three items to try on. What can she say after all you’re trying to help. Continue this process until she gets tired. 

Then, being a supportive help mate, you suggest you head for the nearest sports bar and gets some lunch and recuperate.

You have been a good helpmate, avoided the chair, enjoyed lunch and a drink at a sports bar and can get home in time to catch football, basketball or baseball orwhatever.  

Congratulations!  

 

You’re a Socialist…

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IF YOU, YOUR PARENTS, OR YOUR GRANDPARENTS…

  • receive Social Security,
  • are on Mediicare,
  • are on Medicaid,
  • went to public school or college,
  • drive on public highways,
  • have your house protected by a fire department,
  • are protected by the police,
  • drink safe water,
  • use a sewer system,
  • use safe medication,
  • eat safe food,
  • use a safe banking system,
  • believe in Christ,
  • etc.

YES, YOU ARE A SOCIALIST.  And, when the President or any other politician accuses anyone of being a Socialist, know that they are attacking you, your parents, your grandparents and your children.

HERITAGE TOMATOES AND HERITAGE THOUGHTS

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A native of northern Ohio now living in Florida, I am enjoying freshly grown tomatoes now.  I have already eaten this guy’s ripe brother.  This tomato, a Brandywine, is a heritage variety which means it has NOT been hybridized to be picked early, stand up to machine picking, and long storage times.  I grow it because I can remember what a tomato tastes like.  I also know that it’s flavor contributes more than a red color to a salad, a burger or a BLT.

Every time I bite into the Brandywine tomato I am transferred back to the time in which I learned to appreciate the taste of a freshly picked, ripe tomato.

I had lived in northern Ohio where tomatoes were grown for processing and canning.  Baskets of these bright red tomatoes were loaded and stacked five baskets high on trailers hauled by tractors from the fields where they had been picked by hand and driven through town to the canning factory. 

When the first tractor, pulling the first trailer, loaded with those ripe tomatoes entered town, word spread like wildfire through the town’s kids.  Any child tall enough to reach a tomato basket on the trailer headed for Patterson Street where the tractor driver would have to slow to a craw so as to and not lose his load of tomatoes while making the turn headed to Stevenson Street.  

Here the game, a tradition for decades, began.

The object was simple: the children were to grab a tomato to eat; the tractor driver was to make them pay a price two fold.  Unbeknownst to the rookie children in this game, the tractor driver had a basket of rotting tomatoes hidden between his legs on the tractor.  As the children attacked, he threw these tomatoes at them with incredible accuracy.  If you were hit, the rotting tomato would smush all over you and your clothes. If he missed, you’d grab your tomato, retreat to the shade of a tree and devour its deliciousness.  The proper technique was to gently pierce the skin with your teeth and suck the juice out of it.  In that way you could enjoy the fruits of your victory without leaving telltale tomato juice on your clothes.

Remember that I said the tractor driver would make them pay two fold?  Yes, if you got hit it would be embarrassing, but it also would be very messy.  You would be literally be covered in smushed tomato and tomato juice.  And your parents would notice and demand an explanation of how this happened.  I have never heard of a satisfactory explanation that would be accepted.  I have heard “the tomato fell on me from the trailer, I fell on the tomatoe, I was carrying groceries for a little old lady and the tomatoes mushed”.  And yet, I cannot remember a single incidence of a child being punished for this pilfering tomatoes.  I have heard of them being punished for lying about how they got covered in tomato juice, but not for participating in what had become a tradition.

In today’s world, there would be police, investigations into whether the child stole the tomato, investigations into whether the tractor driver had committed a crime by throwing a rotting tomato at a child, investigations into whether the canning company and/or the farmer was liable for the stained clothes.  There would be crime scene tape around the tractor and the tomato laden trailer.  There would be media coverage including interviews with anyone who needed their time in the spotlight.  There would be police chiefs, mayors, governors, state and federal legislators from both parties, religious leaders, non religious leaders, shopkeepers, psychologists and neighbors. While all this is going on, the tomatoes would rot in the sun.  And, no one would have the taste of a real tomato to remember.

*****

So, here I sit under the shade of a palm tree with my bright red heritage tomato in my hand, the juice sucked out, preparing to take a delicious bite having my heritage thoughts.

The Chair

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There will come a time in your life when your significant other will ask you to go shopping with her.  Do not bring up the game you wanted to watch or mowing the lawn.  You are not being offered a choice. 

You will eventually end up in the woman’s section of a department store.  Once there a clerk will kindly offer a chair to enjoy while your partner shops.  Quietly, but firmly decline because if you sit, you will be in the department for hours on end while the clerk helps the shopper.

Instead, ask your significant other what she is looking for, size, color, etc.  she will look at you with new respect and love for being so interested and helpful.  Once she has selected something she will want to take it to the changing room to try it on.

Once she is in the fitting room, go to the clothing racks and select three other items in her size.  When she comes out to show you how the article looks on her, she will ask your opinion.   say something safe like “it’s a nice color for you.” or “it looks good on you.”  Then say “I thought you might like to try on these three.”

Repeat until she is so tired from trying on clothes that she offers to take you for a drink.  There is also a chance that it will be the last time you are invited to go shopping.

The Problem with Organized Religions

is that they define themselves primarily by their opposition to “the other” which leads to their history of hatred, violence and genocide.

Does your church define itself by “the other” in any way?  I.e. our religion is the one true way to believe?

Do you define yourself by “the other” in any way?  I.e. I am a Democrat; not a Republican.

Is the problem solvable?  And, if it is solvable; what is the first step in that solution?

ASK ANY PARENT!

(An open letter to Congress)

When dealing with children or those with the mentality of children, you do not give choices, second, third or fourth chances to obey the rules. By giving multiple chances to obey what they know are the rules, you are teaching them that the rules don’t have to be followed; and they won’t follow the rules because they believe they didn’t have to follow them the first time.

The Democrats have given Attorney General Barr several opportunities to testify before their committees. He was given a chance, as a courtesy, to appear voluntarily. He has declined. He should have been subpoeneaed immediately. If he refuses, as the Attorney General of the United States who should be the epitomy of the rule of law in these United States, he should be impeached. He is defying the law. Failure to immediately make him responsible for breaking the law will encourage him and others to proceed as if their is no law.

Children know that if you break the rules, you will be punished. They also know that if you don’t punish them each and every time, they can continue to break the rules. They know that there is no sense in obeying the rules until they have had their second, third or fourth chance to obey.