The Chair


There will come a time in your life when your significant other will ask you to go shopping with her.  Do not bring up the game you wanted to watch or mowing the lawn.  You are not being offered a choice. 

You will eventually end up in the woman’s section of a department store.  Once there a clerk will kindly offer a chair to enjoy while your partner shops.  Quietly, but firmly decline because if you sit, you will be in the department for hours on end while the clerk helps the shopper.

Instead, ask your significant other what she is looking for, size, color, etc.  she will look at you with new respect and love for being so interested and helpful.  Once she has selected something she will want to take it to the changing room to try it on.

Once she is in the fitting room, go to the clothing racks and select three other items in her size.  When she comes out to show you how the article looks on her, she will ask your opinion.   say something safe like “it’s a nice color for you.” or “it looks good on you.”  Then say “I thought you might like to try on these three.”

Repeat until she is so tired from trying on clothes that she offers to take you for a drink.  There is also a chance that it will be the last time you are invited to go shopping.

Trump Nominates Merrick Garland for SCOTUS!

In an attempt to extend an olive branch to the Democrats in a biparisan move, President Trump wants to nominate Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.  Trump is said to have quoted himself as saying “better late than never”, a saying he just made up.

A furious Mitch McConnel has been quoted as saying that no such thing will happen in HIS Senate.  He and the Republican majority has been bought and paid for by Mr. Putin, and they will not go back on their word.

Democrats are suspicious and therefore are taking no action to move the nomination forward.

FOX pundits are reviewing their scripts from Sinclair Broadcasting to determine if last minute changes have been made.

NPR is reporting that the President will be making a nomination for the Supreme Court.

Trumpsters are jubilant with the news that President Trump will be able to hold up yet another piece of paper which he has signed with his crayon/marker thereby proving that he is doing something.

WallStreet is looking to make even more money in the whipsaw climate of the Trump Administration.

Evangelicals are chanting AMEN from the pulpet and on television but declining to say what they are amening about.  However, they are sure that God will forgive the President for his repeated unchristian acts.  Mass burnings of the heretical WWJD posters, bracelets, pins and hats are being planed.  In heaven, God hides his head in shame.

The 98% are quietly sewing patches on their clothes and planning tasty meals around Ramen Noodles.



I hope this guide, althoug not complete, helps you survive initially in Florida.

Driving laws are considered recommendations.

Traffic in Florida is the perfect storm.

We have retired drivers who can’t see and are confused.

We have teenagers who think they are racing or stunt drivers.

We have tourists who are lost.

Our highways have multiple names:  Route 192, Irlo Bronson              Highway, 13th Street are all the same road.  Each has its own east and west.

When a traffic light turns green, count to five before proceeding.  This allows time for the  sod trucks and others who are running the red light.

The guidelines for appropriate clothes are:

casual – dirty t-shirt with holes,

dress -clean t-shirt with holes,

formal – clean t-shirt without holes.

The same guidelines apply to shorts, slacks, shoes and sandals.  Dresses and suites are for bankers, tv personalities and the girls who work on South OBT.  Oh, OBT is Orange Blossom Trail.  (FYI you can tell when a person moved to Florida by the style of coat they wear during a cold snap.)

East coast is primarily Jewish.  West coast is primarily Protestant.  Central Florida is primarily those who cannot afford to live on the coasts or are theme park employees.

Theme parks are for those from out of state.  Currently the legislative body is working on a way for visitors to toss all their money from their plane, be given a theme park t-shirt, a stuffed animal and then flown back from whence they came.  This would be called a Florida round trip ticket.

Alligators abound in Florida.  If you see one, run away in a zig zag pattern.  They are faster than you in a straight line race.  If you see one on the golf course, Florida etiquette says you should let him play through.

We have lots of snakes.  We have rattle snakes, but they are pygmies.  More dangerous are copper head, water moccasins and coral snakes.  General rule, when in Florida, don’t  stick around to figure which one might kill you.  Oh, most important, before you sit on the commode, check inside and under the seat for snakes.  Every year a tourist gets bit in the derrière.

Insects love Florida.  Don’t worry about the mosquitos.  They are huge but slow.

We don’t have cockroaches; that would scare away tourists.  We call them mahogany bugs.

Don’t worry about the scorpions; they are too small to kill you with their sting.  Still it’s best to shake out your shoes and clothes before you put them on.

Bed bugs.  Check out your room before you pay.  Then, here’s what you need to do.  Get a flash light.  Without turning on the lights, enter your room quickly and close the door.  Yank back the sheets on the bed and turn on the flashlight.  If you see a bunch of bugs running for cover, get a different room.  Better yet, get a different motel.

Florida is a “stand your ground” state.  This means that if someone feels threatened, they can use deadly force against you.

True cases,  motorist gets out of his car to help driver at toll booth ahead of him recover dropped change.  Driver at toll booth sees him coming, feels threatened and shoots him.

Man in movie theater is talking on cell phone.   Man behind him tells him to stop.  Cell phone man throws popcorn at man behind him.  Man feels threatened and shoots and kills cellphone man and wounds his girlfriend.

If you are a person of color or a teenager,you are by definition threatening.

Why do Floridians put up with all the craziness.