HAPPY AMATEUR DRINKING DAY!

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If you drink, don’t drive.

If you drive, take alternative transportation or stay home instead.

If alternative transportation or staying home is not an option, drive with caution like your life depended on it; because it does.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

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FYI FLORIDUH (FLORIDA)

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I hope this guide, althoug not complete, helps you survive initially in Florida.

Driving laws are considered recommendations.

Traffic in Florida is the perfect storm.

We have retired drivers who can’t see and are confused.

We have teenagers who think they are racing or stunt drivers.

We have tourists who are lost.

Our highways have multiple names:  Route 192, Irlo Bronson              Highway, 13th Street are all the same road.  Each has its own east and west.

When a traffic light turns green, count to five before proceeding.  This allows time for the  sod trucks and others who are running the red light.

The guidelines for appropriate clothes are:

casual – dirty t-shirt with holes,

dress -clean t-shirt with holes,

formal – clean t-shirt without holes.

The same guidelines apply to shorts, slacks, shoes and sandals.  Dresses and suites are for bankers, tv personalities and the girls who work on South OBT.  Oh, OBT is Orange Blossom Trail.  (FYI you can tell when a person moved to Florida by the style of coat they wear during a cold snap.)

East coast is primarily Jewish.  West coast is primarily Protestant.  Central Florida is primarily those who cannot afford to live on the coasts or are theme park employees.

Theme parks are for those from out of state.  Currently the legislative body is working on a way for visitors to toss all their money from their plane, be given a theme park t-shirt, a stuffed animal and then flown back from whence they came.  This would be called a Florida round trip ticket.

Alligators abound in Florida.  If you see one, run away in a zig zag pattern.  They are faster than you in a straight line race.  If you see one on the golf course, Florida etiquette says you should let him play through.

We have lots of snakes.  We have rattle snakes, but they are pygmies.  More dangerous are copper head, water moccasins and coral snakes.  General rule, when in Florida, don’t  stick around to figure which one might kill you.  Oh, most important, before you sit on the commode, check inside and under the seat for snakes.  Every year a tourist gets bit in the derrière.

Insects love Florida.  Don’t worry about the mosquitos.  They are huge but slow.

We don’t have cockroaches; that would scare away tourists.  We call them mahogany bugs.

Don’t worry about the scorpions; they are too small to kill you with their sting.  Still it’s best to shake out your shoes and clothes before you put them on.

Bed bugs.  Check out your room before you pay.  Then, here’s what you need to do.  Get a flash light.  Without turning on the lights, enter your room quickly and close the door.  Yank back the sheets on the bed and turn on the flashlight.  If you see a bunch of bugs running for cover, get a different room.  Better yet, get a different motel.

Florida is a “stand your ground” state.  This means that if someone feels threatened, they can use deadly force against you.

True cases,  motorist gets out of his car to help driver at toll booth ahead of him recover dropped change.  Driver at toll booth sees him coming, feels threatened and shoots him.

Man in movie theater is talking on cell phone.   Man behind him tells him to stop.  Cell phone man throws popcorn at man behind him.  Man feels threatened and shoots and kills cellphone man and wounds his girlfriend.

If you are a person of color or a teenager,you are by definition threatening.

Why do Floridians put up with all the craziness.

IT’S THE WEATHER!